Tag Archives: gratitude

do i need to start over??

22 Nov

sweet jesus.

i have no excuses. i don’t know what happened to me. suddenly, i just stopped writing. it was almost like i was a petulant teenager rebelling against myself. towards the evening, after dinner, i would think, “okay, time for my three things…” and then some sort of defiant, angst-filled, don’t-tell-me-what-to-do vibe would sort of take over and i would just shut the computer, glaring at it a little bit as if it were trying to control me. seriously, man. you’re not my mom.

anyway, apparently i’ve gotten over it. a least we hope.

so, right now i’m going to write three “big” things that i’ve been grateful for over the past month or so and then i suppose i’ll just start up tonight with day sixty-three. what more can i do at this point?

i thought about starting over at day one, but that just seems sort of like grounding myself and i don’t want to continue this whole power struggle between my teenage self and my adult self… who knows what i’d do then – stop eating breakfast?

little baby doofus

1. baby, baby, baby, baby, oh baby

yes that’s a quote from superstar, the carpenters song (that i know as a sonic youth song), but i’m not grateful for the carpenters or sonic youth (though i do love that song).

we’re having a baby! and yes, i do blame the baby for my lack of interest in my blog in general (how does that make sense? well, maybe it doesn’t, but isn’t that all part of the fun of being pregnant? i can blame the baby for everything: no, i didn’t do the dishes today. the baby wanted to sit on the couch watching enchanted and eating snickers.).

this photo is our 12 week scan, taken last week when the baby was the size of a peach (my best friend thinks it’s hi-larious that the baby is always being compared to fruit) and we’ve been hearing a lot of “james and the giant peach” jokes (james is my husband). the photo was difficult to get as baby was moving and shaking all throughout the scan, which was absolutely amazing to watch. every time the doctor thought she had a good shot, baby would flip over or kick out and so we got to see him/her from so many different angles and poses and finally, i think the doctor just snapped any old photo, which we are fine with because they are all beautiful!

now the baby is the size of a lemon and i can’t help thinking, in what world is a lemon bigger than a peach?

my grandmother and grandfather in haiti on their honeymoon

2. my grandmother

sadly, my grandmother passed away last week. i spoke about her a bit here in my blog, so i’ll try not to repeat all the same things, which shouldn’t be so hard as i’m grateful to her for so much.

i’ll start of by saying that i am eternally grateful for her sense of humor and “grace” through life. as i was saying to my irish therapist yesterday, if you haven’t really experienced a jewish new jersian grandmother, then you haven’t really lived. there was nothing that couldn’t be survived with a sigh and a sarcastic comment (usually about california and/or californians, my father or my “ungrateful brother” not calling her or visiting her enough – which i’m sure changed to my not calling enough when she was speaking with my brother).

there was something so stoic and eternal about her – as if she had already surpassed everything life could throw at her, and now she was simply waiting. and though at times, it was as if she were waiting for death and i can’t count how many times i heard her start a sentence with “when i die…”, i think often she was waiting for everyone else to catch up with her. and, in true grandmother style, it always felt like i was the only one who could, the only one who understood and the only one who mattered.

for someone like me (neurotic, constantly over-thinking, and crazily insecure), having someone in my life with whom i could be completely comfortable and completely confident was so so so important. i would sit next to her, and she would put her small, always cool and soft hand on the nape of my neck, and everything would be okay.

i am especially grateful for her love of my hair. she called me goldilocks and rapunzel throughout my life, always letting me know how beautiful my hair was – and for someone with thick, unruly, curly hair in the land of straight blond california hair, a fan of my hair was not only appreciated, it was necessary.

in general, i am so grateful for my grandmother, who moved to california (a state filled with hippies who can’t drive) just to be closer to her granddaughter, me (though i suppose she sort of liked my brother, too).

daddy as a wee one

3. my husband

i know, i know. i’m always grateful for him. it shouldn’t even count anymore. but seriously, he has been wonderful throughout my first trimester. he has cooked and cleaned and shopped and rubbed my back (and my feet and my hands and my back again) and woken up earlier than usual to make me toast or a bagel every morning so i’m not sick first thing when i wake up and just done everything he can to make sure that i am comfortable and relaxed.

he is proving himself (as i knew he would be) to be an excellent husband and a fantastic father – already getting excited about taking care of me and the baby and constantly talking to the baby and kissing my belly.

i don’t think i could have survived as “easily” (and happily) as i have done without his constant help.

 

and now, just because it’s in my head, i’ll leave you with the sonic youth, only to return shortly (i promise).

day twenty eight

8 Sep

the screen in the back was absolutely phenomenal, as was he

1. george michael

not that i really need to say it, but he was just fabulous. his voice is so nice, so smooth – like that feeling of dipping your hand in the cool waters of a small waterfall in a pool or a river: the water as it separates around your hand, so silky. he played for at least two and a half hours and it was just so beautiful with an orchestra behind him. because of the orchestra, it was mainly slower and jazzier and bluesier than what i normally associate with george, and it suited him.

of course, he still threw in a few of the more upbeat favorites as an encore and got everyone on their feet, dancing.

it was really nice for me to be out at a concert, but also to see james enjoy himself. he absolutely loves george michael and said it was the best concert he’s been to.

2. a job!

sweet lord, i’m going to have to start working. sigh. right now, i’m excited about it, but come monday, i’m going to have a panic attack. or two. i really like the school that offered me a class and though they already have a set contracted staff, and i’ll just be working freelance and they’ve only offered me one class so far, it’s a foot in the door and i’d rather have that with a great company than full-time hours with one that will underpay me, underappreciate me and disrespect me, which is all too easy to find as an english teacher. so, i’m very grateful that i’ve got in there and that i can start teaching again. though it’s only one class so far and i’ll still basically be a kept woman, i’m happy to be contributing and to have something to do.

early in the morning, before my job interviews (because that's how cool i am - taking pics of my outfits)

3. waking up early

though i hardly ever do it, unless i “have to”, i just love being awake early in the morning. i like walking around the streets as the city stirs (which is not only a cliché but also an exaggeration as i wasn’t really into the city until 7:30, which isn’t really that early. it’s not like it was dawn…) and holding my hot coffee, knowing that i have the entire day in front of me. and with all that time, i feel like i filled it much more fully than i usually do. not only did i get a lot done today (a job!), but i really felt good about it all – even the things i didn’t get done (the dishes.) haven’t bothered me all day. we’ll see if i keep it up.

and, again, just for good measure:

the opening song:

day twelve

23 Aug

1. falafel vendors with attitude

it’s been awhile since i’ve gotten a falafel (since i lived in barcelona, in fact) and i was quite disappointed to learn that our local shwarma restaurant doesn’t carry falafel. this evening though, we were in cologne watching the man u – tottenham game at the corkonian (sort of over football season already) and next door is a falafel shop (i suppose they are normally called kebob shops). so, at half time, daniel and i went over and got a falafel for myself, one for james and a currywurst for daniel. this was the first time i’ve attempted to fully order in german and the guy, instead of rolling his eyes at me as he should have, made fun of me, asking me questions and making cheeky little comments. my only regret is that when he asked me where i was from, i didn’t answer him in a full sentence: ich komme aus den usa.

2. showing off my walk

i know it seems silly, since it isn’t all that fancy or impressive, but i was kind of excited to show off where i walk today to daniel. he didn’t much care, and in fact was slightly annoyed at me for taking him “the long way” home, but as there isn’t much going on in my life and the biggest thing getting me out of the house is my walk, it was nice to actually show it to someone other than james.

3. sleeping in

i know i can sleep in any day of the week, really. but usually i try and set my alarm and tell myself i’ve got to get up by a certain time, whether i do anything or not. it just doesn’t seem right to sleep in every day. and i’m glad i don’t because if i did, it wouldn’t be so nice on the days when i let myself sleep in to ten o’clock, like i did today. and it was fantastic.

 

day eleven*

22 Aug

*posted one day late, because i forgot (after less than two weeks – not a good sign).

to be honest, yesterday wasn’t a very good day. i didn’t feel (and didn’t act) very grateful. but, still left the house and did things, which i am happy about.

1. catching a glimpse in the mirror that’s good

normally, i feel overweight to the point of being disgusted in myself (which, frankly, is too harsh and i need to stop being so judgmental) but every now and then, i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror when i’m changing and think i look good. if i stop and analyze, then i lose it and start feeling bad again. but for that moment, i feel good about myself, which is nice.

2. my mom is ok after surgery

even though hernia operations are relatively commonplace now, i’m very grateful that my mom made it through ok and is recovering happily (well, normally at least) with her mom visiting to care for her. i wasn’t worried, but it’s a bit hard being so far away for things like that. i wish i were there to take care of her and take rocky to dog beach so she knew he was happy, as i’m sure that is a big part of what she would be worried about.

3. books that keep me up at night

the book i’m reading is really good and quite sad (the sixth lamentation by william broderick). i’ve wanted to stay up all night reading it and though i love books that make me want to do that, what i love even more is when i’m forced not to finish them in one weekend. daniel is here, so we’re doing things throughout the day and evening and otherwise, i’d be finished with it already – i’d be skimming through the end just desperately trying to finish it (for whatever reason that happens) but instead, i’m forced to savor it and i definitely appreciate that.