Tag Archives: husband

do i need to start over??

22 Nov

sweet jesus.

i have no excuses. i don’t know what happened to me. suddenly, i just stopped writing. it was almost like i was a petulant teenager rebelling against myself. towards the evening, after dinner, i would think, “okay, time for my three things…” and then some sort of defiant, angst-filled, don’t-tell-me-what-to-do vibe would sort of take over and i would just shut the computer, glaring at it a little bit as if it were trying to control me. seriously, man. you’re not my mom.

anyway, apparently i’ve gotten over it. a least we hope.

so, right now i’m going to write three “big” things that i’ve been grateful for over the past month or so and then i suppose i’ll just start up tonight with day sixty-three. what more can i do at this point?

i thought about starting over at day one, but that just seems sort of like grounding myself and i don’t want to continue this whole power struggle between my teenage self and my adult self… who knows what i’d do then – stop eating breakfast?

little baby doofus

1. baby, baby, baby, baby, oh baby

yes that’s a quote from superstar, the carpenters song (that i know as a sonic youth song), but i’m not grateful for the carpenters or sonic youth (though i do love that song).

we’re having a baby! and yes, i do blame the baby for my lack of interest in my blog in general (how does that make sense? well, maybe it doesn’t, but isn’t that all part of the fun of being pregnant? i can blame the baby for everything: no, i didn’t do the dishes today. the baby wanted to sit on the couch watching enchanted and eating snickers.).

this photo is our 12 week scan, taken last week when the baby was the size of a peach (my best friend thinks it’s hi-larious that the baby is always being compared to fruit) and we’ve been hearing a lot of “james and the giant peach” jokes (james is my husband). the photo was difficult to get as baby was moving and shaking all throughout the scan, which was absolutely amazing to watch. every time the doctor thought she had a good shot, baby would flip over or kick out and so we got to see him/her from so many different angles and poses and finally, i think the doctor just snapped any old photo, which we are fine with because they are all beautiful!

now the baby is the size of a lemon and i can’t help thinking, in what world is a lemon bigger than a peach?

my grandmother and grandfather in haiti on their honeymoon

2. my grandmother

sadly, my grandmother passed away last week. i spoke about her a bit here in my blog, so i’ll try not to repeat all the same things, which shouldn’t be so hard as i’m grateful to her for so much.

i’ll start of by saying that i am eternally grateful for her sense of humor and “grace” through life. as i was saying to my irish therapist yesterday, if you haven’t really experienced a jewish new jersian grandmother, then you haven’t really lived. there was nothing that couldn’t be survived with a sigh and a sarcastic comment (usually about california and/or californians, my father or my “ungrateful brother” not calling her or visiting her enough – which i’m sure changed to my not calling enough when she was speaking with my brother).

there was something so stoic and eternal about her – as if she had already surpassed everything life could throw at her, and now she was simply waiting. and though at times, it was as if she were waiting for death and i can’t count how many times i heard her start a sentence with “when i die…”, i think often she was waiting for everyone else to catch up with her. and, in true grandmother style, it always felt like i was the only one who could, the only one who understood and the only one who mattered.

for someone like me (neurotic, constantly over-thinking, and crazily insecure), having someone in my life with whom i could be completely comfortable and completely confident was so so so important. i would sit next to her, and she would put her small, always cool and soft hand on the nape of my neck, and everything would be okay.

i am especially grateful for her love of my hair. she called me goldilocks and rapunzel throughout my life, always letting me know how beautiful my hair was – and for someone with thick, unruly, curly hair in the land of straight blond california hair, a fan of my hair was not only appreciated, it was necessary.

in general, i am so grateful for my grandmother, who moved to california (a state filled with hippies who can’t drive) just to be closer to her granddaughter, me (though i suppose she sort of liked my brother, too).

daddy as a wee one

3. my husband

i know, i know. i’m always grateful for him. it shouldn’t even count anymore. but seriously, he has been wonderful throughout my first trimester. he has cooked and cleaned and shopped and rubbed my back (and my feet and my hands and my back again) and woken up earlier than usual to make me toast or a bagel every morning so i’m not sick first thing when i wake up and just done everything he can to make sure that i am comfortable and relaxed.

he is proving himself (as i knew he would be) to be an excellent husband and a fantastic father – already getting excited about taking care of me and the baby and constantly talking to the baby and kissing my belly.

i don’t think i could have survived as “easily” (and happily) as i have done without his constant help.


and now, just because it’s in my head, i’ll leave you with the sonic youth, only to return shortly (i promise).


day sixty**

11 Oct

** published a few days late because i was in milan and frankly, way too busy eating pasta to think about finding the internet and posting all about the pasta and pizza i was grateful for.

1. my husband will pay 10€ so i can watch a movie

i realize that hotels have to charge for things, i mean, that makes sense. especially movies, as they are “luxury items” or whatever, but 10€? seriously?

we were tired though, and all we wanted to do was lie in our hotel room and watch movies. and my husband, because he’s fantastic, was totally willing to pay because i wanted to watch one. i love him!

2. pasta pomodoro

okay this picture isn’t of the most amazing spaghetti pomodoro that i had the day before, but it was still really good. and beyond that, it was room service. which is so much better than any other type of food. and how much i loved the pomodoro sauce here made me wish i could just buy a whole bunch and also buy another suitcase to carry back as much sauce as i possibly could have.

it’s just delicious.

3. free breakfast buffet

eggs, toast, croissants, juice, water, fruit plates, bacon and sausages for james, and more. breakfast buffets are so good, the best in fact, but they are even better when they are free (or included in the charge of the room).

day fifty eight**

11 Oct

** published a few days late because i was in milan and frankly, way too busy eating pasta to think about finding the internet and posting all about the pasta and pizza i was grateful for.

1. tori amos

absolutely amazing, and the reason we went to milan. i have to say that out of all the concerts my husband has taken me to since we started dating (rufus wainwright, bruce springsteen, leonard cohen…), tori amos was definitely his least favorite, as i knew she would be. but that’s okay. he behaved himself and i didn’t mind, because all i was interested in was her! she was mesmerizing, gorgeous and so amazingly talented.

i’m grateful and frankly, awe-struck, that there are people in this world with that much talent. and i’m so glad that i was able to witness it live. now only tom waits remains of my top five… well, if you think morrissey counts for the smiths, which i don’t, because as fabulous and wonderful as he is, he’s pretty crappy live.

2. james giving me his pasta

it was a weird day. we had been up so early to fly to milan and i was exhausted and just in a bad mood, despite the fact that we were in italy and we were going to see tori amos. i had some food issues: there were just so many options and i wanted everything. so, in my confusion, i ordered the wrong dinner. i ordered tagliatelle ai funghi, which looked good and was alright, but just wasn’t what i wanted. so when my dinner came, i almost felt like crying (ridiculous, i know, but as i said, it was one of those days). my beautiful husband had ordered pesto pasta which is his favorite and was delicious, which made me want to cry even more.

without ever making me feel bad or complaining about not having his pasta, he traded with me and even pretended to like my dish better. he’s the best.

3. italian

oh my goodness, it’s the best language that there is. it makes me feel a little bit angry that i’m here in germany and that i have to learn german because it just isn’t as good as italian. neither is the accent when they speak english.

no matter what happens (and i hope that what happens is that i learn german), i will learn italian again at one point. even if it’s when i’m eighty.

just for fun, the song she ended on, before her encores (though this video is from a different tour):

day fifty four

3 Oct

1. crossword puzzles

my husband and i often do crossword puzzles together at night and it’s a lot of fun. sometimes we’re good, sometimes not so much and he always tries to race against our time (which is usually annoying).

it’s been awhile and now we’re getting into bed and we’re going to start one now (as soon as i finish this) which i’m excited about.

2. my husband’s green hoody

i don’t know what it is about this hoody, but it’s more comfortable than anything else i could wear. he wore it to work a few months ago and left it there and i’ve missed it.

i realize, of course, that it’s his and so he can wear it and do what he will with it, and the wonderful part of it is that it’s his. if it were mine, it wouldn’t quite be as comfortable. it wouldn’t smell like him and be as nice to put on, though it would still be big and encompassing.

i’m grateful that he brought it home and that it makes me so comfy and happy.

3. last day of sun

tomorrow, it’s supposed to rain. and i’m pretty sure that after that, winter is coming. even though the entire summer was filled with rain, i’m grateful for the week we’ve had in september (and now october) of nice weather. and if today is the last sunny day for awhile, i’m grateful for it (even though i didn’t go out in it).

day fifty three

2 Oct

1. les misérables

i know that according to fancy-pancy music lovers that les misérables is like the red-headed step-child, but i really love it. it’s not quite as bad as phantom of the opera (which i also love), but it’s still sort of embarrassing around some circles. luckily, i try to avoid those folks. because, really, it’s just beautiful. and i’ve always said eponine is my idol, and every time i hear “on my own” (which i will admit is often), that belief is completely reinforced.

sadly, i usually listen to the soundtrack on my ipod. which means i walk the streets making dramatic faces while i mouth the words and raise my fist in defiance along with “damn their warnings, damn their lies”. and that is even more embarrassing than admitting that i like les mis among “real” musicians and snobby musical/opera lovers (like my little brother).

today, however, i watched the live taping of the 25th anniversary concert. so, i only embarrassed myself in front of my husband and he had his earplugs in watching some football game, and i doubt he even noticed.

just as a side note, the other song that always gets me is valjean singing “bring him home”. that chorus is hauntingly beautiful.

2. french toast

my husband still makes me french toast sometimes and it’s my favorite breakfast ever. it is also the way that he proposed to me, which was very cute. and though he hasn’t written any message to me in bread recently, i still appreciate the french toast. after all, it is pretty tasty. and he’s been perfecting his recipe for years now. he takes it very seriously, which i am also grateful for; he cares so much about making me happy, even in the little details.

3. bank holidays

i was going to write lazy sundays, but then i realized, nothing makes a lazy sunday better like the knowledge that the next day is a holiday. and tomorrow is indeed a holiday. so today we can be as lazy as we want, watching tv and just being at home and still have tomorrow to get out on our bikes and explore. i think we’re finally going to check out schlebusch, which is an area of town that we might move to. if we ever get our butts out there to check it out.

i guess this one is a bit of a double one. i’m grateful for the today-tomorrow combo.

day forty six

25 Sep

1. a day at the races

notice i did not say that i was grateful for winning at the races. because unfortunately, we are not. however, we lost 30€ total, and as there were the three of us, that’s only 10€ each, which is the price of going to the movies, except we were there all day. so, good bargain, really.

and what a day it was! the sun was shining, as it only does when the women from james’s family visit, and according to them, the hot dogs were “slammin”.

we had a great time.

2. james always cooks breakfast

in full disclosure, i should say that this picture is actually from a few weeks ago (and not a very good one – someday i’ll learn that a glass coffee table doesn’t lend itself to photo ops), but isn’t that little birdie egg holder so cute (and a little sad)?

today, james made a full english breakfast (veggie style and sans tomato, obviously) for his sister and i. and i realized tonight, as i was grumbling about having to make dinner (pizza – yum! and oops, sorry, diet) and do the dishes, that i rarely make breakfast. i may cook more in general and clean more as well (but lets face it, i work three hours a week right now), but i always have lounging-in-my-pj’s-on-the-couch time saturday and sunday mornings, and i really, really appreciate that.

i’ve said it before, and i’ll say it again: i’m so grateful for my husband – for making me breakfast, and for introducing me to a full english breakfast, which i didn’t include a picture of because frankly, they don’t look so good. i think baked beans just don’t photograph well.

3. lying in bed awake when everyone else is sleeping

i think i’ll always be a night owl. granted, it’s only 11:30, so my “night owl” now is waaaaay different from that of the past. but, i still love the night. i love being awake when everyone else (usually just my husband, but now his sister as well) and i’m still up doing things: writing my blog, reading, etc.

when i’m home alone, this is also my favorite time to clean, which is sort of weird. but mainly, i read. and it’s so quite and so dark and it’s the only time when you absolutely know that nothing is going to interrupt you.

of course, this time is much more enjoyable when you don’t have anything to do in the morning. and i don’t work until 5:45 pm and all i have to do before then is bake some cake/cookies/haven’t decided yet to take with me tuesday morning to the stitch & bitch charity event. so, basically, i’ve got all night to read. hotel on the corner of bitter and sweet, here i come (and i hear you’re sad, so i may even get to cry all by myself in the middle of the night – is it weird that i love that?).

day forty four

23 Sep

1. lunch

today was sort of an emotional day. i’ve been really tired and i’ve also been expecting a lot of myself lately, which always leads me to be quite judgmental (which is a fun cycle, let me tell you). so, after a tear-filled therapy session, where we discussed what to do about this expecting a lot/judging myself harshly cycle, i left with homework. my homework was to check in with myself once or twice a day and to just feel what i was feeling (i tend to be up in my head a lot – that’s where all the “shoulds” and “should haves” live, after all) and to do exactly what i wanted.

so, what did i want? i wanted to eat apple pie and hot chocolate (soy) for lunch. and i did. and it was yummy. and i ate the whole thing without thinking once of the calories.

(of course, i thought of the calories after, but hey, baby steps…)

2. lucky in love

i may have a hard time of it in some ways, but i’ve been blessed in one particularly important area of my life. today, i was reading the woodlanders by thomas hardy (who i’m also so so grateful for) and i was at this part where grace and giles are confessing their love to each other, only giles knows that it is never to be, and they embrace and kiss, their first kiss.

it suddenly, intensely brought back the memory of my first kiss with my husband and i could see his face as if it were in front of me still and feel his hand on my cheek and then it was as if our life together flashed before my eyes in a second and i literally started crying (partially because the book was really emotional, and that’s what i do: i cry at books) and felt such an overwhelming love for him and for my life. i’m so grateful to be able to feel that.

3. sister-in-law visiting

yay, more family visits! my sister-in-law comes tomorrow and she’s staying a whole week.

unfortunately, my husband has to work most of the week, which sort of makes me a little nervous as i don’t really know his sister really well, but also gives me the opportunity to get to know her better, and i’m grateful for that.

and, as always, very grateful that he and i both have such wonderful family that love us and visit us!