Tag Archives: locked out

day twenty three

2 Sep

today i locked myself out of the house. it was about 1 o’clock, or 1:30, i believe and all morning i had been cleaning the house. i started with the kitchen and did the dishes, cleaned out the fridge and even moved the fridge to clean under it and washed the walls (the walls here are all wallpapered and then painted and are decidedly difficult to clean for some reason that i haven’t quite figured out). i then started on the floors and the trash can. after i washed down the trash can, i decided to set it just outside the door, as it was a pretty hot and sunny day. of course the window was open and my music was playing quite loud – james always says he can hear me when he’s coming down the street.

it should be said that when the window is open, it gets quite breezy in the apartment. so, as you can probably guess, just as i set the can on the floor, the door slammed behind me. it took me a minute to figure out what had happened. i had only just stepped outside and didn’t really expect it.

sadly, it’s not the first time we’ve locked ourselves out.

let’s just say that i spent a good part of the day sitting outside my door waiting for james to come home. i couldn’t call or anything, because my phone was sitting inside, and i didn’t want to go try and speak to someone or walk to his work because i was wearing quite short shorts that for me are strictly indoor garb and i hadn’t even washed my face and frankly, looked a state.

so, instead, i sat out and waited. for hours. i found precious little to entertain me. as you can see, i spent some time ripping out a little note to james from a leaflet that had been left on top of our mailboxes. and, just like as a child, i imagined that the minute i finished, he would come home. he didn’t.

he came home at 6:30. of course, i wouldn’t have known that, not even knowing what time it was the whole afternoon.

what do i have to be grateful within that?

1. an hour (or so) in the sun

today i spent an hour sitting in the sun and doing nothing. i couldn’t possibly think of my to do list, or emailing anyone or even the alternate realities of the tom and maggie tulliver (i’m reading the mill on the floss, by george eliot). i just sat. it was pretty much silent, except the birds and bees and flutterings of this and that down the road. it is something i wish i did for myself more often.

2. didn’t have to clean the whole house

i’m one of those extreme people who never just dust or vacuum or do a bit here and there, when i clean, it’s all out spring cleaning. i just only do it once a month or so. don’t get me wrong, i tidy and do the dishes throughout the week (i aim for every day. that doesn’t always happen, if i’m honest.), but usually once a month, i’ll clean. everything. and every time i always think, why don’t i just do the floors and do the kitchen tomorrow and then the bathroom another day or something, and i never do. and today, i just did the kitchen, which will force me to separate it out and do a bit here and there. i sort of like it.

3. commitment

i’m hoping i’ve made a commitment to myself. it made me really sad that i wouldn’t walk to james’s work today because i didn’t look good. i think that i am too superficial and too judgmental and also that i’m very, very unhappy with how i look and my health. i’ve been feeling that way for years, and seem unable to commit to doing something about it. and today instead of being seen in an outfit that i found too revealing – not because it was actually too revealing, but because i’m too “big” to be wearing something like that in public, i chose to sit on my front stoop for approximately five hours. i think that signifies that i need to make some changes for myself.