Tag Archives: superstar

do i need to start over??

22 Nov

sweet jesus.

i have no excuses. i don’t know what happened to me. suddenly, i just stopped writing. it was almost like i was a petulant teenager rebelling against myself. towards the evening, after dinner, i would think, “okay, time for my three things…” and then some sort of defiant, angst-filled, don’t-tell-me-what-to-do vibe would sort of take over and i would just shut the computer, glaring at it a little bit as if it were trying to control me. seriously, man. you’re not my mom.

anyway, apparently i’ve gotten over it. a least we hope.

so, right now i’m going to write three “big” things that i’ve been grateful for over the past month or so and then i suppose i’ll just start up tonight with day sixty-three. what more can i do at this point?

i thought about starting over at day one, but that just seems sort of like grounding myself and i don’t want to continue this whole power struggle between my teenage self and my adult self… who knows what i’d do then – stop eating breakfast?

little baby doofus

1. baby, baby, baby, baby, oh baby

yes that’s a quote from superstar, the carpenters song (that i know as a sonic youth song), but i’m not grateful for the carpenters or sonic youth (though i do love that song).

we’re having a baby! and yes, i do blame the baby for my lack of interest in my blog in general (how does that make sense? well, maybe it doesn’t, but isn’t that all part of the fun of being pregnant? i can blame the baby for everything: no, i didn’t do the dishes today. the baby wanted to sit on the couch watching enchanted and eating snickers.).

this photo is our 12 week scan, taken last week when the baby was the size of a peach (my best friend thinks it’s hi-larious that the baby is always being compared to fruit) and we’ve been hearing a lot of “james and the giant peach” jokes (james is my husband). the photo was difficult to get as baby was moving and shaking all throughout the scan, which was absolutely amazing to watch. every time the doctor thought she had a good shot, baby would flip over or kick out and so we got to see him/her from so many different angles and poses and finally, i think the doctor just snapped any old photo, which we are fine with because they are all beautiful!

now the baby is the size of a lemon and i can’t help thinking, in what world is a lemon bigger than a peach?

my grandmother and grandfather in haiti on their honeymoon

2. my grandmother

sadly, my grandmother passed away last week. i spoke about her a bit here in my blog, so i’ll try not to repeat all the same things, which shouldn’t be so hard as i’m grateful to her for so much.

i’ll start of by saying that i am eternally grateful for her sense of humor and “grace” through life. as i was saying to my irish therapist yesterday, if you haven’t really experienced a jewish new jersian grandmother, then you haven’t really lived. there was nothing that couldn’t be survived with a sigh and a sarcastic comment (usually about california and/or californians, my father or my “ungrateful brother” not calling her or visiting her enough – which i’m sure changed to my not calling enough when she was speaking with my brother).

there was something so stoic and eternal about her – as if she had already surpassed everything life could throw at her, and now she was simply waiting. and though at times, it was as if she were waiting for death and i can’t count how many times i heard her start a sentence with “when i die…”, i think often she was waiting for everyone else to catch up with her. and, in true grandmother style, it always felt like i was the only one who could, the only one who understood and the only one who mattered.

for someone like me (neurotic, constantly over-thinking, and crazily insecure), having someone in my life with whom i could be completely comfortable and completely confident was so so so important. i would sit next to her, and she would put her small, always cool and soft hand on the nape of my neck, and everything would be okay.

i am especially grateful for her love of my hair. she called me goldilocks and rapunzel throughout my life, always letting me know how beautiful my hair was – and for someone with thick, unruly, curly hair in the land of straight blond california hair, a fan of my hair was not only appreciated, it was necessary.

in general, i am so grateful for my grandmother, who moved to california (a state filled with hippies who can’t drive) just to be closer to her granddaughter, me (though i suppose she sort of liked my brother, too).

daddy as a wee one

3. my husband

i know, i know. i’m always grateful for him. it shouldn’t even count anymore. but seriously, he has been wonderful throughout my first trimester. he has cooked and cleaned and shopped and rubbed my back (and my feet and my hands and my back again) and woken up earlier than usual to make me toast or a bagel every morning so i’m not sick first thing when i wake up and just done everything he can to make sure that i am comfortable and relaxed.

he is proving himself (as i knew he would be) to be an excellent husband and a fantastic father – already getting excited about taking care of me and the baby and constantly talking to the baby and kissing my belly.

i don’t think i could have survived as “easily” (and happily) as i have done without his constant help.

 

and now, just because it’s in my head, i’ll leave you with the sonic youth, only to return shortly (i promise).